Mind Your Language

I am always happy to see my tax dollars at work printing expensive government brochures in exotic languages such as Tagalog, Vietnamese and Dinka, for people who can’t be bothered to learn the language of their adopted country. I would have thought that, as a matter of common sense or even self-defence, if I emigrated to a country the first thing I would do would be to learn the language, although I did meet an American who had been living in Costa Rica for five years and did not speak a word of Spanish. Personally I would prefer to see those tax dollars spent on English classes for migrants, such as my parents attended many years ago. I notice that none of these documents are presented in German but maybe that’s because the Germans feel they have caused enough trouble over recent years and actually make the effort to learn the language of their new country.

Who can blame the French for being upset that everyone expects them to speak English, even in their own country? Still, French linguistics does not easily lend itself to English pronunciation. Zoos seem to attract film crews and, on this particular occasion, we had a French one wandering about. At one stage of the shoot the director asked us to “put your turkey on the table”. Bemused, the keeper and I looked at each other and shook our heads. In the time honoured technique used by people the world over when the person you are talking to has no idea what you are saying, he repeated his request, only louder. “Put your turkey on the table!”

Exasperated, he finally pointed at the two way radios hanging from our belts, also known as walkie talkies. In French, the talkie obviously became a turkey.

Of course being completely ignorant of a language can have its advantages. Many years ago my wife and I spent over ten hours hiking through the jungle to a research facility situated in the Costa Rican rainforest. The day before we were due to hike out a small supply plane landed on the grass strip. Not being keen to repeat the arduous walk my wife asked about the possibility of being flown out instead. Being horrified by all forms of aerial transport I declined to join her, greatly preferring the walk, which turned out to be only six hours and gave us a wonderful encounter with a family of coatis foraging on the beach.

As the plane was in a rush to leave we hastily repacked, so that my wife took most of the heavy articles with her. Upon landing she boarded a bus bound for San Jose. The bus originated in Panama and had not yet passed its border check. Officials boarded the bus wanting to see everyone’s identification. My wife produced her passport only to be astonished to see a photo of me staring up at her. In our haste we had inadvertently swapped passports.

Speaking no Spanish whatsoever, my wife also feigned a complete lack of understanding regarding the gestures directed at her by the customs official, especially the one about coming back to his private office for further “discussion”. Fortunately the Costa Ricans are reasonably relaxed about such things (after all they have no army) and the customs official, realising today was not going to be his lucky day, eventually grew tired of the exercise and let my wife go. Fortuna, the Roman goddess of luck, was obviously smiling on her that day.

To close, I am reminded of the recently retired American couple who decided to embark on a rail journey across North America. Some days into the trip the train pulled into a station. The wife asked her husband to enquire as to their whereabouts. He accosted the station master who replied, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan”.

Upon returning to the cabin the wife asked expectantly, “Well, where are we?”

To which the husband replied, “I don’t know. They don’t speak English.”

Dr. F. Bunny

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  1. #1 by Thoraiya on 16/04/2014 - 9:39 am

    I have to disagree with you here, Bunny. Possible translation of Dinka brochure: Dear recent arrival from horrific conditions in South Sudan, please indicate below whether you require counselling services and/or assistance with childcare. A Dinka version of Australian traffic rules is enclosed. If you require a translator for assistance with signing up for English classes, please phone this number. Your closest house of worship is Here.

    Would you rather they said this, really? Dear recent arrival from horrific conditions in South Sudan, yes it’s very sad that you were forced to watch your Dad get raped with a machine gun and then crawled out from under a pile of your family’s corpses in order to escape, but why didn’t you “bother” to learn English before coming to Australia?

    My mother teaches English as a second language, and the tax dollars that are allocated to pay for these classes are nowhere near enough.

  2. #2 by vetsbeyondreason on 16/04/2014 - 4:00 pm

    Sorry, my comment was aimed not at recently arrived migrants but people like my friend who had been living in Costa Rica for five years without bothering to learn a word of Spanish. My wife teaches little kids and it makes it hard to talk about how they are getting on when their mothers don’t speak any English.

  3. #3 by Thoraiya on 19/04/2014 - 1:46 pm

    No worries! I didn’t think you meant it like you said it 😉

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