For God’s Sake

Testing. Testing. Is this thing on? Okay. Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am fed up with having sympathy for the devil, giving the devil his due or being the devil’s advocate. For someone who whinges about not getting enough air time Lucifer seems to be everywhere these days. Well I say, what about me? Isn’t it time we heard from the other side? From me? From God?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is your lucky day.

I will give him credit. Lu has made evil into an attractive proposition. It’s cool to be bad and dreadfully old fashioned to be good. But what exactly is cool about mass murder, genocide, theft, or rape? I don’t remember too many smiling victims saying how cool it felt to be slaughtered or have their houses burned to the ground. Never mind greed being good, good is good. Good is the new cool.

How cool is it when you forget your wallet only to have it returned, credit cards and cash intact? How cool is it when you are trapped in a wrecked car because a drunken idiot slammed into you and a bunch of strangers stop and pull you out? This is the sort of stuff you should get excited about, not gang wars, drugs and violence. Nobody wants to be a part of that.

And please stop trying to defend my honour. I am God and I don’t need anyone to fight my battles for me. I don’t want people to blow themselves and their neighbours to hell, because that is certainly where they are going, on my behalf. I am a big boy and I can look after myself. People have been killed in my name for centuries and I want it to stop. Now. I have to admit that I am really looking forward to meeting all those guys who tell everyone else to die for me. Oddly enough they don’t seem to be in any kind of rush to come and visit. I wonder why?

And what is it with the sex thing? I love sex. After all I invented it, didn’t I? Stop making it into some kind of dirty disgusting thing and have fun. Contraception is fine too. Everyone knows you can’t just keep reproducing forever. But celibacy hurts my feelings. It makes me think you don’t appreciate my gifts. So stop acting like Lucifer’s the fun guy and I am the stick in the mud. Lu’s idea of fun involves children and doing things without people’s consent.

Unlike Lu I want you to get on with your lives, with minimal interference from me. Sure I made you but, like a good parent, I know when to let go. I don’t want to tell you what to do every second of the day. I am happy to give you advice but you can take it or leave it. I want you to make your own mistakes and learn your own lessons. And don’t believe what is written in all those so called holy books. You know what the media is like when it comes to reporting facts.

Now, I like you, I really do. After all I made you in my image. But, like any parent, I can’t play favourites. I have to treat you all equal, so if you decide to break all your toys I am not going to make you new ones, and if you drive yourselves to extinction that will be sad, but I am not going to intervene. I have other children on other planets to worry about and I can only devote so much of my time to you. Personally I think it is time you all grew up, took responsibility for your lives and got on with it. I will always be here and I will always be your parent but now it is time for you to leave the nest and fly.

Good luck. And Ozzy, God is not dead, not by a long stretch.